Humour

The following are quotes heard on various Airlines over the years:

• "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing please take them with our compliments."
• "We do feature a smoking section on this flight: if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."
• "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face, If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
• "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately"
• "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
• "Last one off the plane must clean it."

A first officer is just a reproductive advisor:

"If I want your f***ing advice, I’ll ask for your f***ing advice!"

This story was told to me by a friend who "swore" he heard it on an IFR flight in Germany. It seems a "good ol’ boy" American (Texas-sounding) AF C-130 reserve pilot was in the (that day very crowded) instrument pattern for landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this:

Cont: "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."

Pilot: "Rogo’, Frankfurt. We’re bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya."

Cont (a few moments later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."

Pilot: "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots."

Cont: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots."

Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?"

Cont: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."

We found this piece in the press recently, and are still trying to decipher what it means! We don’t speak Australian, so interpretation is left open. Answers on a postcard……………….:

"Australia’s Civil Aviation Safety Authority (CASA) have recently felt the need to defend it’s safety record, after charges that the airlines aren’t being regulated to required standards. CASA’s Director of Safety, Mick Toller quoted that accident rates have dropped significantly in the last 10 years and that Australia’s airlines are at least twice as safe as European and North American airlines.

He also responded to the media coverage by saying, "Let’s not treat aviation as a tall poppy, but support and encourage what is one of most successful, vibrant and important industries."

And they tell us that you can smoke poppies too!!

For all of you out there who’ve had to deal with an irate customer, this one is priceless:

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as baggage.

A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

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