Humour Archives - Page 36 of 46 - Golf Hotel Whiskey

Santa Claus flight inspection

Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night freight trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy with a shotgun standing next to his rig. Santa asked him why he was there.

The man replied: “I’m from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I’ll ride right seat.” Santa responded, “With all due respects, sir, I’ve been doing this flight for over 700 years but if you insist, well, let’s go.”

As they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA inspector brought his shotgun along with him, placing it in his lap, with his finger on the trigger. Santa queried, “What’s the shotgun for?” To which the FAA inspector grumbled: “You’re going to lose two on takeoff…”

Wit and wisdom from the military

‘If the Enemy is in range, so are you.’
– Infantry Journal

‘It is generally inadvisable to eject over the area you just bombed’
– U.S. Air Force Manual

‘Aim towards the Enemy’
– Instructions printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

‘Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed always to hit the ground.’
– USAF Ammo Troop

‘Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.’
– Infantry Journal

‘You, you, and you. Panic. The rest of you come with me.’
– U.S. Marine Gunnery Sgt. (Mgysgt5)

‘Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last, and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.’
– U.S. Navy Swabbie

‘If your attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush.’
– Infantry Journal

‘Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.’
– Unknown Marine Recruit

‘Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.’

‘If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.’
– USAF Ammo Troop

‘The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.’

‘Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.’
– From an old carrier sailor

‘If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it’s probably a helicopter – and therefore, unsafe.’

‘When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.’

‘Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.’

‘Never trade luck for skill.’

The two most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: ‘Why is it doing that?’ ‘Where are we?’

‘Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.’

‘Airspeed, altitude and brains – Two are always needed to complete the flight successfully.’

‘Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!’

‘Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag to store dead batteries.’

‘Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground who is incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.’

‘A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular with what’s left of your unit.’
– Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance.

‘Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.’

‘There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.’
– Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

‘If something hasn’t broken on your helicopter, it’s about to.’

Basic Flying Rules:
‘Try to stay in the middle of the air.
Do not go near the edges of it.
The edges of the air can be recognized
by the appearance of ground, buildings,
sea, trees and interstellar space.
It is much more difficult to fly there

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, ‘What happened?’ The pilot’s reply, ‘I don’t know, I just got here myself!’
– Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

How high?

In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked: "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?”

The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded: "We don’t plan to go up to it; we plan to go down to it."

He was cleared.

How fast?

In his book “Sled Driver,” SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes:

I’ll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Although they didn’t really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope.
I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed."90 knots" Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered. We weren’t the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout." There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty." Another silent pause.
As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison.
"Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause….
"Aspen, I show 1,742 knots" (That’s about 2004.658 mph) No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.

Small planes…

On a small commuter flight one sunny day, the captain was told his passengers were nervous about being on a "small airplane." He decided to take action:

"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. I have been informed that some of you are nervous about being on a ‘little’ plane. Well, let me assure you, there is nothing to worry about, just sit back and take it easy. It might be helpful to do some sight seeing to put your mind at ease. Now, if you’ll all lean and look out over the right wing of the airplane….it’ll tip over! Hahahahaha!! Just a little pilot humor…"

Do a 360 please

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a 360 (do a complete circle, usually done to provide spacing between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained: "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?"

Without missing a beat the controller replied: "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth."