Humour

Some more entertaining announcements ‘allegedly’ heard from airline attendants:

"As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, ‘This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft’."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

High Flight

Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of earth
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
Sunward I’ve climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds – and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of – wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence. Hov’ring there
I’ve chased the shouting wind along, and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up the long delirious, burning blue,
I’ve topped the windswept heights with easy grace
Where never lark, or even eagle flew –
And, while with silent lifting mind I’ve trod
The high untresspassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand and touched the face of God.

FAA Amendments

1. Pilots must insure that all surly bonds have been slipped entirely before aircraft taxi or flight is attempted.

2. During periods of severe sky dancing, crew and passengers must keep seatbelts fastened. Crew should wear shoulder belts as provided.

3. Sunward climbs must not exceed the maximum permitted aircraft ceiling.

4. Passenger aircraft are prohibited from joining the tumbling mirth.

5. Pilots flying through sun-split clouds under VFR conditions must comply with all applicable minimum clearances.

6. Do not perform these hundred things in front of Federal Aviation Administration inspectors.

7. Wheeling, soaring, and swinging will not be attempted except in aircraft rated for such activities and within utility class weight limits.

8. Be advised that sunlit silence will occur only when a major engine malfunction has occurred.

9. “Hov’ring there” will constitute a highly reliable signal that a flight emergency is imminent.

10. Forecasts of shouting winds are available from the local FSS. Encounters with unexpected shouting winds should be reported by pilots.

11. Pilots flinging eager craft through footless halls of air are reminded that they alone are responsible for maintaining separation from other eager craft.

12. Should any crewmember or passenger experience delirium while in the burning blue, submit an irregularity report upon flight termination.

13. Windswept heights will be topped by a minimum of 1,000 feet to maintain VFR minimum separations.

14. Aircraft engine ingestion of, or impact with, larks or eagles should be reported to the FAA and the appropriate aircraft maintenance facility.

15. Aircraft operating in the high untresspassed sanctity of space must remain in IFR flight regardless of meteorological conditions and visibility.

16. Pilots and passengers are reminded that opening doors or windows in order to touch the face of God may result in loss of cabin pressure.

Before it was revealed just why that Northwest crew missed the Minneapolis airport, a number of bloggers and comedians had come up with their own “top 10” lists of reasons or excuses. Rob Mark, the editor of Jetwhine, wrote:

10. They were texting

9. It had something to do with sex

8. Each pilot thought the airplane knew the way since Airbus aircraft are all automated anyway

7. They really did just fall asleep

6. They couldn’t decide who should have the Nintendo Wii next

5. It had something to do with sex or money

4. It had something to do with sex and money

3. They were trying to understand NWA’s new slogan, ” We’ll get you within 150 miles of there.”

2. The pilots actually have no idea why they weren’t paying attention

1. They were abducted by aliens, but were returned an hour later because even the little green men couldn’t stand to listen to these two guys whine about the company any longer.

[Read more…] about Compilation of top 10 lists explaining why they missed that airport….

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. Flying isn’t dangerous. Crashing it what’s dangerous.
3. It’s always better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.
4. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you are on fire.
5. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
6. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
7. A ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. A ‘great’ landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
8. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.
9. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn’t get to five minutes earlier.
10. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another aeroplane in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
11. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
12. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
13. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bag judgement.
14. It’s always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
15. Keep looking around. There’s always something you’ve missed.
16. Try to keep the number of landings equal to the number of takeoffs.
17. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
18. You know you’ve landed wheels up if it takes full power to taxi.
19. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.
20. Helicopters can’t fly; they’re just so ugly the earth repels them.
21. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles an hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
22. Air above you is just as useful as runway behind you.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It’s the law. And it’s not subject to repeal.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
25. If all you can see out of the window is ground that’s going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.