Maintenance humour

Here are some actual complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from maintenance crews:

Problem: “Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.”
Signed off: “Almost replaced left inside main tire.”

Problem: “Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.”
Signed off: “Autoland not installed on this aircraft.”

Problem: “The autopilot doesn’t.”
Signed off: “It does now.”

Problem:”Something loose in cockpit.”
Signed off: “Something tightened in cockpit.”

Problem: “Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.”
Signed off: “Evidence removed.”

Problem: “DME volume unbelievably loud.”
Signed off: “Volume set to more believable level.”

Problem: “Dead bugs on windshield.”
Signed off”: “Live bugs on order.”

Problem: “Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.”
Signed off: “Cannot reproduce problem on ground.”

Problem: “IFF inoperative.”
Signed off: “IFF inoperative in OFF mode.”

Problem: “Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.”
Signed off: “That’s what they’re there for.”

Problem: “Number three engine missing.”
Signed off: “Engine found on right wing after brief search.”

Problem: “Relief tube too short”
Signed off: “Length OK for maintenance personnel”

Problem: “Aircraft handles funny”
Signed off: “Aircraft warned to straighten up, ‘fly right,’ and be serious”

Problem: “Target Radar hums”
Signed off: “Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words”