Humour

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost.

He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

The woman below responded, “You must be in management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault!”

• “Aim towards the Enemy.” – Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
• “Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” – USAF
• “When the enemy is in range, so are you.” – Infantry Journal
• “It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.” – U.S. Air Force Manual
• “Tracers work both ways.” – U.S. Army Ordnance
• “If you see a bomb technician running, follow him.” – USAF
• “You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3.” – Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
• “The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.”
• “Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.” – From an old carrier sailor
• “There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.” – Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ.

Night flying:

1. Remember that the airplane doesn’t know that it’s dark.
2. On a clear, moonless night, never fly between the tanker’s lights.
3. There are certain aircraft sounds that can only be heard at night.
4. If you’re going to night fly, it might as well be in the weather so you can double count your exposure to both hazards.
5. Night formation is really an endless series of near misses in equilibrium with each other.
6. You would have to pay a lot of money at a lot of amusement parks and perhaps add a few drugs, to get the same blend of psychedelic sensations as a single engine night weather flight.

Today is Friday the 13th and we are happy to report that Finnair flight 666 or AY666 from Copenhagen to Helsinki (HEL) has landed safely. Not only that, the flight departed and landed ahead of schedule:

For superstitious travelers, Helsinki happens to have the 3 letter designation HEL while flight AY666 from Copenhagen to Helsinki is a daily flight – meaning there are are two Friday the 13th flights to HEL this year.

The AP has noted that some airlines, like Scandinavian Airlines, take superstitions about the number 13 very serious and don’t have a row 13 on board. However, Finnair and other regional carriers like Norwegian and Estonian Air keep their row 13s because apparently the superstition has only recently arrived in northern latitudes – meaning some lucky passengers got to sit in row 13, on Flight 666 to HEL…

The AP also reported that today’s Flight 666 to HEL was almost full, but there is no word on whether or not any passengers lost their checked-in baggage in or on the way to HEL…

Finally and if you wish to replay an uneventful Flight 666 to HEL, click here to visit the flight’s page on flightradar24.com.

You’ll know it’s a no-frills airline if:

• They don’t sell tickets, they sell chances.
• All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
• Before the cheapest flights, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
• If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.
• You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
• Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
• The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
• When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
• The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
• You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, “Just once.”
• No movie. Don’t need one.
• Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
• You see a man with a gun, but he’s demanding to be let off the plane.
• All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

‘Ryanair’ by Frank Boyle