Golf Hotel Whiskey

Golf Hotel Whiskey: for pilots and aviation enthusiasts

Humour

Actual pilot complaints sent to the mechanics…

This was posted back in 2006 on FlightAware. Apparently, UPS pilots fill out a form known as a “gripe sheet” to inform mechanics about problems with their aircraft. The mechanics then correct the problems, document their repairs on the form and the pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Hence, here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers (and who says that aviation mechanics do not have a sense of humour!):

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Probably because auto-land is not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode has a 200 ft. per min. descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF IS inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
PS: Aircraft acting funny
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

A bat goes batty on an Atlantic Southeast Airlines flight

The Dallas Morning News’ Airline Biz Blog has noted an odd story about an apparent bat that got loose on an Atlantic Southeast Airlines flight last week. In fact, a passenger even took a video of the bat flying to and fro within the passenger cabin as passengers swatted at it with newspapers and other items.

However and if you think bats loose on an airplane is bad enough, how about crocodiles or scorpions? As we noted back in 2009, a foot long baby crocodile walked down the passenger aisle during the flight from Abu Dhabi to Cairo before being re-captured (or perhaps wrestled…) by the crew. Of course, none of the passengers admitted to bringing a live crocodile onboard a passenger flight and the unlikely passenger was sent to live in the Giza Zoo in Cairo.

Meanwhile and on a Southwest Airlines flight from Phoenix to Indiana, a scorpion with five babies hitched a ride and stung a passenger. The passenger notified the flight crew who had ground personnel exterminate the hitchhikers and fumigate the aircraft overnight (The passenger himself was treated at the airport for his sting).

Nevertheless, such incidents do show how unwanted passengers (like bees or wasps) could conceivably hitch a wide with you on your next flight.

A passenger service agent shares a few pilot jokes…

This was posted back in 2006 on FlightAware:

As a Passenger Service Agent for a small regional carrier, we have quite a bit of interaction with our pilots; which gives us a lot of opportunities to mock them, of course. These are a few of the good ones:

Q: What do pilots use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q:How many pilots does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, ’cause the world revolves around him.

Q: How do you know if there is a pilot at your party?
A: He’ll tell you.

Q: What does a pilot say on a first date?
A: Enough about me, let’s talk about planes!

Q: What’s the difference between a pilot and a turbine engine?
A: The engine stops whining when it pulls up to the gate.